My time in Ontario is winding down. I feel like the crunch is on to see/contact everyone before Tuesday. I am more reluctant than ever to go back to NS, although I am still looking forward to being in my apartment.

I have had a good week. On Wednesday, I went shopping in Guelph with Gillian as planned. I bought a nice ring, a blasphemous magnet and some books. The one book was a "Choose Your Own Blind Date" book - a choose-your-own-adventure style book whose scenario is a blind date. Four of us tried it out the other night - Gillian was read awful poetry by her roommate, I hooked up with a hot doctor, Shanifa ended up with John Cusack, while Nad's date was an action-packed kidnapping. Fun times. Wednesday evening after shopping, Gillian and I met up with Nad, Shanifa and Anna and caught a flick at the Princess Cinema. We saw a film called Walking on Water, which was awesome. After the show, Anna, being a responsible teacher, went home to work on her lesson plan, while the rest of us went out for coffee and choose your own date adventure fun. After coffee, I caught up with Andrew for a little bit at his boot camp experience.

I spent today with Andrew as well. I finally picked up my Laurier diploma, almost 11 months after I graduated. I was holding the diploma, and I was thinking about how much that one piece of paper cost - in money as well as time and emotional commitment and experiences. Hard to imagine. After picking up the diploma, Andrew and I went for an early dinner/late lunch at the Raintree Café. I finally had the pad thai stirfy that I've been craving... so yummy!

My plans for tonight include reading the book I started yesterday and am so far quite enjoying: The Birth of Venus. I forget the author's name right now. It's one of the ones I got in Toronto last week. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be helping Andrew move - fun fun. Anyway, all is well here. Ontarians, feel free to give me a call before I leave.

Mixed Feelings

I'm supposed to be leaving for NS again on Thursday. I've decided to extend my stay, though. 10 days just isn't long enough to do everything that I want to. I do really miss my apartment and the girls at Acadia, but it's great being back in Ontario and seeing everyone. I had a really good weekend.

On Friday, Dave and I watched Angels in America. Not all of it, because it's 6 hours in totality, but actually, 5 hours of it. For the last hour to hour and a half I wasn't really paying attention, though. I got really really sleepy.

Saturday, Anna, Gillian and I gathered at Andrew's for pre-drinks and chatting before meeting Nad et al at Phil's. Ah, Phil's. How I've missed your trashy, vomit-scented undergroundness. It was a really good night. I couldn't have gone with sexier dance partners. We were hot. Here are some highlights from conversations both pre-Phil's and during:

Gillian on trashy romance novels: Sometimes I'm just reading them, and it's like, "They put that there???"
Heidi: (uncontrollable giggling)

Dave V: So I was teaching this course on Family Planning. This one girl in the class, Cheryl, was a stripper. She offered to show me her new piercings.
Anna: Piercings? Where were they? Like, on her genitals?
Dave V: (sarcastically) Guess!
Anna: (missing the sarcasm) Like, on her clit? Or on her vulva?
Heidi: Isn't saying "Guess" like that just a figure of speech?
Gillian: Yes
Heidi: Only Anna would actually guess that!
Gillian and Heidi: (uncontrollable giggling)

Drunk girl at bar near dancing pole: You need to thrust more when you dance with the pole
Anna: OK. Thanks. (proceeds to thrust)
Gillian: I think that girl is hitting on Anna
Heidi: Probably. Hee hee hee.

Needless to say, it was very fun times all night. I had good drinks, and just the right amount of them. It was great to be out dancing again. It had been a long time since I'd been out, and forever since I'd been dancing with Anna and Nad, and forever and a day since I was out with Gillian.

I still have lots to do before I go back. Tomorrow my sister is bringing supper out for us, and then Wednesday I'm hoping to go shopping in Guelph with Gillian if she's free. Thursday I'm babysitting Anie. After that (and besides that) I have no definite plans, so if you're in the area and have some time, give me a call.

The scents of places

One of the things that I've noticed more consciously since moving to Nova Scotia is how the scent of a residence reflects the person (people) who live there. There's that scent of "home" that always greets you after a hard day or a long trip away. It's very comforting. One of the things that I noticed when I was home for Christmas is that my parents' house's scent has changed. I guess that whatever partial scent that I added to it was missing, and it was strangely sad to make the long journey home to arrive somewhere that smelled as foreign as a stranger's house. It was a bit of a relief to go back to Nova Scotia to my apartment, which greeted me with its familiar scent when I arrived. The scents I'm talking about are nothing tangible - not the particular smell of your favourite food or perfume, though I imagine those contribute. No, I mean just the general ambient smell of a place.

What I've noticed on my visit this time is that my bedroom here smells different than the rest of the house - more welcoming. It smells like my youth, kind of, though that sounds a little weird. It smells like home, my old familiar home. My bedroom in Nova Scotia has a different scent to it (which I find a little strange since it's my bedroom both times) but also welcoming. Walking in there, I know that it's mine and that the bed is waiting to embrace me anytime I want it. My apartment in Nova Scotia smells like home to me, a new home, a home that is all mine. That's partly what makes it so hard to leave to come back to Ontario - it's a place that is uniquely mine in a way that nowhere here is.

Perhaps these musings make me sound like I'm homesick for Nova Scotia. I'm not really. There are parts of my life there that I miss already - high speed internet on my laptop, my shower with its wonderful water pressure, my large bed - but nothing that is interrupting my stay here. I like being in my bedroom with its zillions of books, all waiting to be read and remembered, and I like being with my family again and being back at home, in a fuller sense of the word.

Anyway, on to more concrete things. Anie spent the day here today. She got me out of bed at 8am. Usually, this is cause for assault, especially since I went to sleep at 2am, but when someone is so excited about you being awake that they are jumping up and down and running ahead of you to the kitchen so that they can eat breakfast with you, and when they're 3 1/2 and very cute, it's hard to stay mad.

These are the books that I got on Tuesday: The Way the Crow Flies by Anne Marie MacDonald, Emma by Jane Austen, Mason and Dixon by Thomas Pynchon ($5 special!), and one more book that I can't remember the name of right now, and then 2 fantasy novels from the series that I'm addicted too, even as I critique the writing style. Good times all round.

Not much to say now. It is getting late. I should get to bed.

Busy couple of days

So, I'm back in Ontario now. I just arrived back at my parent's house not long ago. It's been a busy couple of days. Sunday night Mom met me at the airport and we went back to our hotel. We grabbed some pizza for dinner, and then watched some episodes of Coupling and had a fairly early night. Monday morning we laid around the apartment and watched more Couplings, then met my cousin for lunch in Toronto. That was fun. We went to a Thai restaurant near the Eaton's Centre. I've discovered that my tolerance for spices is pretty much nil. That should surprise nobody. Monday afternoon Mom and I browsed the Eaton's Centre, but didn't find much of interest. I bought a pair of orange shorts that were on sale for under $8.

At this point Mom and I needed a nap, so we took one before heading out the Barenaked Ladies concert Monday night. The concert was neat. Free tickets, and our seats were OK. If anyone knows the Air Canada Centre, we were in section 301, so on the opposite side of the arena from the stage in the first row of the balcony. It was far away, but front and centre, and they used the Jumbotron anyway. The reason that we had free tickets was because it was a Bell employee appreciation do in honour of the company's 125th birthday. All of the corporate propaganda stuff wasn't as good, but the concert was still a great time. The BNLs put on a really fun show. I would like to see them again sometime, with a more enthusiastic audience.

Today we went to the World's Biggest Bookstore. You can all imagine how that went. Within 10 minutes I said I had to leave because I already had a stack of books worth my spending money for the whole trip. We stayed for a while longer, and after many debates I narrowed my stack down. My Mom paid for my books anyway as a treat, so that was exciting. I will give you book highlights later when I'm not so tired.

On our way back from Toronto this evening we stopped in to see my sister and niece and brother-in-law. I didn't even make it out of the car before I was being assaulted with hugs from my niece. We stayed for supper and my Dad joined us. You can all imagine how great it felt to spend time with my niece. She is sleeping over here tonight and we have the day tomorrow to spend together. Even in 4 months I can see how she's grown. She's learned to ride her bike with training wheels, and she's very proud.

For everyone in Nova Scotia: The weather here is so great! Today it neared 30 degrees! I was too hot in pants and running shoes. The grass is fully green here, and of course it's not nearly so windy or humid. If this weather continues, I might not want to come back! Hee hee hee... just kidding.

Anyway, I haven't had any introvert time for days, so I need to go lock myself alone in my room. I am very exhausted. I know I have more to say, but it will have to wait. I hope that everyone is well.

In transit

I am at the Halifax airport. I am waiting for my flight back to Ontario this evening. I have a couple of hours wait here, so I'm happy for the free wireless internet. So far my trip has been fairly uneventful. The bus ride was pleasant. It's a beautiful day weather-wise and Nova Scotia is such a beautiful province. I need to get a digital camera and just take a month or two to traverse Nova Scotia and photograph every inch. Someday, when I'm a member of the rich and leisured classes, I will do this. Someday...

I actually had a panic attack before I left my apartment this morning. That was strange. I haven't had one for a while. Happily, it was relatively minor in that it was short-lived, so I was able to catch my bus. I don't know what caused it except maybe accumulated bottled-up emotion. Whatever it was, I'm happy it ended. Besides that incident, my packing and cleaning of the apartment went well. I hope I didn't forget anything important, but I had lists and more lists, so in theory everything should be taken care of.

I am really a cat person. Not that I want to own one, but I like cats and they (in general) seem to like me. I'm saying this because I was at Ashley's on Thursday evening for a couple of hours and her one cat, Zoe, was being very affectionate in his Zoe way. Zoe is the one who is not cuddly and doesn't like to be touched (I can respect that). He's such a tease, though, because he'll lie on his plastic bags, showing his tummy, and I just want to bury my face in it, but can't. I got as close as I will ever to that though, on Thursday, when Zoe let me give him a quick bellyrub. I might have taken him by gentle surprise. Bug, the other cat, is very cuddly, and actually purrs, but he is still adjusting to life in Nova Scotia and hasn't warmed up to me yet. 3 of the 5 girls in my program live with cats, so I have become used them being the main topics of conversation. I apologize to any non-cat lovers out there.

I am getting really bored with Wolfville. I am very happy to be taking this trip. Wolfville is a lovely town, but living there without a car loses its charm after each 3-4 month stint. I'm excited to see it in apple-blossom time; its beauty then is legendary. Even though I'm bored with Wolfville though, I'm always sad to leave my apartment. I really like it, especially now that we've had some days where it's nice enough to sit on the balcony.

I guess that's all I have for right now. I might get bored and post again later from the airport. Yay free wireless internet!

Update

Hello. I don't actually have much to report, but I thought I'd update in case anyone has been worried about me. This is what I've been up to: On Monday, I was very pretty. That probably sounds dumb. My self-esteem has taken quite a hit lately, so, as damage control I put in my contacts and actually wore makeup (!!!) to school. I looked very hot, as evidenced by my mirror and the admiring glances I got during the day. It was a vitamin shot for my self-esteem. Tuesday I was at school before 10am, which felt shockingly early. I actually had quite a productive day. I finished marking the first year papers, I did some work on my confessional essay and I did some research for my medieval essay coming up. Nothing exciting, although I was proud to have gotten up so early. I managed to function quite well in spite of the fact that I'd only gotten 4 1/2 hours of sleep. After school I "went shopping" with Ashley. This means that we wandered the drug store, which is the equivalent of the Eaton's Centre here. I bought some makeup. I've been inspired to try different eye makeup looks lately, and I thought that more tools would come in handy if I were going to repeat Monday's beauty-fest. Today (or Wednesday, I guess... it's after midnight) I stayed in. I'm doing some work now and am trying to go to bed early so that I can get up early. I have a busy day planned - appointments, office hours, haircuts and essay writing.

I am getting more and more excited for my trip home to Ontario. I am making plans with people, making plans in my head, and just thinking about what it will be like to be back in the land of shopping, ice cream, and people who care about me. I hope that I get everything done and organized in time.

Quick 4am reflections

I like working at night better than working during the day. I like working when I have hot tea, incense burning and classical or baroque music playing. It sets the mood.

Thanks to my excessive watching of Coupling lately, my internal monologue now is spoken with a British accent.

No more pheasant spottings today. I was looking. :(

I've decided not to do my PhD ever. This decision feels good to me. However, I don't know what to do instead. Any ideas? And please, no one say teacher's college. That is not for me.

If I wasn't worried about flunking out, I would be spending much more time in bed in the fetal position moping and mourning. As it is, I have 7 more pages to write for Monday, and all my essays left to mark for Tuesday. I have a feeling that caffeine and me are going to become very good friends this week.

I've never stayed up all night on a weekend. I only do it on weeknights. This struck me as strange. If I thought I'd be productive and not write overly-political feminist crap, I'd stay up tonight and finish my essay. As it is, I just wrote a whole page on why Republicans are bad for women. Will I delete it tomorrow? Probably.

It is a week until I fly back to Ontario. I am excited for my visit. I miss my family. I miss Ontario too, actually. Weird, that.

I need to get some sleep so that I have time to write my 7 pages later today.

Dear Pheasants

Dear Pheasants,

I like you. You are like large, graceful geese with long tails, only prettier. Please come back and visit when it stops raining. You are neat.

Thank you.

Your friend,
Heidi

Golden afternoon

Considering everything going on in my life right now, I had just about as perfect of an afternoon as possible. The weather today was absolutely gorgeous - sunny and 15 degrees. I opened all the windows in my apartment and then I put the chairs back on my balcony and sat out there reading A Long Day's Journey Into Night by Eugene O'Neill. They're studying it in my first year class. I wore a sweater over my pjs, and I was the perfect temperature. Basking in the sun like that was so beautiful, so peaceful. I could hear the birds chirping away in all of the trees (they were very talkative today) and there was a fresh breeze... Lovely. Looking into the woods behind my house, I also saw a pair of pheasants. This was exciting for me because it was unexpected and because I'd never seen pheasants before. They are larger than I expected. I came in feeling so refreshed, so peaceful. I then had a late afternoon nap in the sun, which was also fun. I like naps.

My evening's been pretty good too. I made some tacoes for dinner and talked to my parents on the phone. It had been a long time since I'd talked to them. I've actually gotten some work done tonight too, for the first time in what feels like forever. I still have lots more to do, but being productive feels good. I've also discovered the Britcom "Coupling" thanks to Gillian. This show is hilarious! I've never laughed so hard at TV, I don't think. I think it outlaughs Scrubs, which is a pretty dramatic thing for me to say. If you get the chance, check this show out. I've also discovered a new band from listening to CBC Radio 3 on the weekend - LCD Sound System. If you're in the mood for something that's a cross between electronica and disco, check them out. I think they will be my new dance partners.

Anyway, I've got 2 essays to write and 12 to mark in the next little bit, so I'd best return to the grind. I just wanted to include you in this lovely day.

Today

Hello. Just another apology for the emotional nature of my last post. I know that I usually don't talk about my feelings on here. That's something that I think is both good and bad (moreso good, which is why I never do it). However, yesterday emotions were just leaking out of me, and I actually felt a lot better after writing that sappy post. In the future, I might keep on keeping on those things private, but it was liberating at the time.

Today I do feel better. I got way too much sleep last night, and so far feel pretty solid today. I'm going to go to the library to photocopy some articles, and then this evening I'm supposed to go to Ashley's for tea. We've been planning and postponing this tea since Friday, so maybe it will actually happen today and I will get to meet and be cuddled by Bug. I also booked my flight home for the end of the month. Those of you in Ontario, I will be there April 17-28, though I might change my flight to stay longer if I get all of my stuff cleaned up here before I leave.

Anyway, just wanted to assure any of you that read last night's post that I am doing OK, surviving, if you will, and there is no need to worry.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I tell myself. Tomorrow I'll get some exercise - take a walk, or dance in my living room, or do stomach crunches or something. Tomorrow I'll eat something besides carbohydrates (read: besides chocolate) and tomorrow I'll write half of my essay and go the library and do all of those things I should, I promise, because I just can't do them today. Today, I feel like my world has fallen apart. I know that I'm being overly-dramatic, and really, if this is the worst thing happening to me right now, I've got it pretty good. But, realizing that doesn't keep me from feeling like I've made a huge mistake somewhere along the way. It doesn't keep me from crying when I think of the carrots in my fridge, the carrots that I bought for his visit in February (or Andruary, as my calendar still says). I still tear up when I see one of the thousand reminders of him littering my apartment (even my screensaver taunts me).

I know that this is for the best. It has to be this way. But if that's true, why does my heart ache so much? Maybe tomorrow I won't have to cry. Maybe tomorrow I'll have it figured out. Tomorrow.


P.S. I apologize for the sappiness and personal nature of this post. I know it's not like me, but maybe it should be.

P.P.S. I also apologize for the clichéed nature of this post. I realize that I've said nothing unique and the style is overwrought, but it's as good as you're going to get today, I'm afraid. Maybe I'll make up for it by writing a poem about the carrots.

Enneagram and fun times

free enneagram test

Ashley has got me going on enneagram personality tests. She told me about them earlier, but it was when I was in the throes of my Myers-Briggs obsession, so I wasn't really receptive. However, coming to it now, I'm finding it quite interesting, as most personality tests are. As you can see above, I test as a 5. The description of my type found here seems fairly accurate. If you feel like it, visit one of these sites and find out your own number and let me know. I'd be curious to find out.

I have been having a good couple of days. I've felt really happy, for no real reason. I've just been in a really good mood. Yesterday especially I was quite giggly. I finally found out my thesis supervisor's astrological type (Aries) and M-B type (INTP or INFP - she said INTP). I found I had a lot to say in my Middle English class, which is a change. I'm usually pretty quiet in that class, but I find I had a lot to say about whether the ending of Sir Gawain and the Grene Kny3t is happy or not. I think that it was probably all subconscious regurgitation from when I took it the first time ("Weldonese" spewing from my mouth... how strange), but still. Hopefully it will help to boost my participation mark a little. Yesterday I also had a really good laugh with my counsellor over something stupid. Neither of us could stop laughing for almost 5 minutes. Laughing feels good.

Last night was the AGSA social. I wasn't going to go, but then I did. It was actually quite fun. We English girls sat together and just drank and chatted until midnight. Some of the profs came out too for a bit. I had a really good time and took some pictures too, which is exciting. I like drinking with friends and eating cheesies.

Today I went to the first year class I'm TAing for. They were studying a story about two old ladies who have been companions for 6 years. I started to feel really old. The discussion changed from themes in the story to a discussion of why old people are creepy and you just can't get along with them. They also talked about how 6 years was such a long time to be living with the same person. Lisa, the prof (the Aries) pointed out that most married people live together for much longer than that, but it didn't seem to phase them. I just thought about what it was like being 18 when 6 years with the same person seemed like forever. It made me laugh at their innocence. They also seemed to think old people might as well be dead because they have nothing going on in their lives. It was actually quite revealing and sad, but still quite funny at the time. I can make it funnier when I talk about it in person.

I feel like I've been laughing a lot lately, and I like it. I think that staying up all night on Tuesday night and meditating on Wednesday morning was really good for me. I don't have any big plans for the weekend. I'm going to hopefully meet Ashley's second cat who just arrived. He's cuddly, so I've been told, so I'm excited. Besides that, it's most just running errands and doing chores and writing essays. How depressing. More depressingness is the fact that Andrew is right now at the Arts Grad Ball at UW with another girl (a twin), and the fact that my first essay is due in just over a week. However, I'm going to focus on the positive. Like, I won on an instant scratch lottery ticket last night. I doubled my money (that means I won $4). Yay! I'm planning on reinvesting my winnings into more tickets. Soon, I will be able to pay for my PhD.